Power of Thought

As 2011 quickly draws to a close, I am experiencing an anticipation I had not expected.  I have realized the last few months how powerful the mind is, and the influential control we can have over our mental process.  Since we lost Owen, I have dreaded the Holiday season. 

Fighting the Fight

It has been just over 3 months since the stillbirth of our Owen, and the sting of the pain is still so strong.  Grief is like a terrifying roller coaster with the ups and downs, the twists and the blind curves, the knots and thrashing in your stomach.

Choosing Joy

This year, as you might imagine, I am not feeling especially Thankful.  Thanksgiving is supposed to be about being grateful for what you have.  It is supposed to be a time to appreciate life and give praise for all the wonderful gifts we have been given.  This year I have an interesting tug of war going on. 

I am a Mommy

My desire to be a mother is overwhelming.  It hasn't always been though.  I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but the decision to finally become one was not taken lightly.  I wanted to be ready, really ready, emotionally, financially and physically.  I might not have had it all perfect, but my desire to love a child was stronger than my fear.

In Awe of God

Awe, is wikipedia defined as 'an emotion comparable to wonder, but less joyous and more fearful.'  That's where I am at with God right now.  I am in utter shock at the unexpected loss of my son.  I have lost so much of the happiness and innocence I once experienced in my life and I am becoming irrational and anxious and fearful.

Unexpected Perspectives

As we pulled up to Swedish Hospital on the first night of our support group we were greeted by a young, weak, grey man asking us if we were cancer survivors.  I have breast cancer license plates and we had to park in the oncology parking lot at the hospital.  I explained my Grandmother died from breast cancer years ago.  He began to tell us about his struggle with cancer.

Anything but the present

Sam and I joined a support group a few weeks after we lost Owen.  There are two other couples who have a very similar situation to us, which is both comforting and unnerving.  This past week at our group, one of the other mothers said "it's easier to look at the future and at the past".  How right she was.

Owen's P.J.'s

Owen would have been 2 months old today had my precious baby been born alive.  Today is an especially hard day.  I believe the 26th of every month for quite a while will be an especially hard day.  I can't help but think about what we might be doing today on this first snowy day of the season.

Letters of Longing and Love

We had a service for Owen Thomas Saturday September 3rd.  It was an amazing service done by our Pastor, Hugo.  Someday I will be able to talk more about that day, but not today.  We were surrounded by family and friends full of love and support.  They were all there to honor the life of our precious son.  Sam and I each wrote letters to Owen, my sister beautifully read them for us.

My angel baby, my story.

I lost my first born child.  Owen Thomas was born on August 26, 2011, stillborn at 34 weeks.  Wow.  Stillborn.  Still stings to say.  I don’t know what happened, everything was perfect.  I’ll start from the beginning.