My desire to be a mother is overwhelming. It hasn't always been though. I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but the decision to finally become one was not taken lightly. I wanted to be ready, really ready, emotionally, financially and physically. I might not have had it all perfect, but my desire to love a child was stronger than my fear.
I couldn't give Owen life on this earth, but I loved him more than I knew was possible. I would have done anything for him, I would have given him the selfless love of a mother. I did so for the 8 months I carried him in my womb and I continue to love him with my whole heart. I pray for him and I talk to him every day. I don't have the ability to take care of him physically but I have the gift of his heart in my soul. That's the love of a mother.
I know that Owen was meant to be in heaven and I was meant to learn the true, deep, raw love of a mother. It still burns down to my core that I don't have my son in my arms. I am still tortured by the sorrow and emptiness I feel every day, but I am beginning to find hope in the realization I have what it takes. I have the ability to love deeper than I ever knew was possible. My arms ache to be a mommy, but my heart knows I already am.
Amen!
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