Whats in a Break?

One of the reasons I started this blog, was to be open and honest about the process of losing a child.  Especially since many people have a hard time recognizing that my stillborn son was still my baby.  Whether he ever got to sleep in his perfectly created nursery

One Step at a Time

Immediately after a stillborn birth, you are run through a gamut of blood work and tests.  I had several tests done at the hospital right after Owen's birth, then several more six weeks later when most of the pregnancy hormones were gone.  It turns out, I have Factor V Leiden, a blood clotting disorder.

Power of Thought

As 2011 quickly draws to a close, I am experiencing an anticipation I had not expected.  I have realized the last few months how powerful the mind is, and the influential control we can have over our mental process.  Since we lost Owen, I have dreaded the Holiday season. 

Fighting the Fight

It has been just over 3 months since the stillbirth of our Owen, and the sting of the pain is still so strong.  Grief is like a terrifying roller coaster with the ups and downs, the twists and the blind curves, the knots and thrashing in your stomach.

Choosing Joy

This year, as you might imagine, I am not feeling especially Thankful.  Thanksgiving is supposed to be about being grateful for what you have.  It is supposed to be a time to appreciate life and give praise for all the wonderful gifts we have been given.  This year I have an interesting tug of war going on. 

I am a Mommy

My desire to be a mother is overwhelming.  It hasn't always been though.  I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but the decision to finally become one was not taken lightly.  I wanted to be ready, really ready, emotionally, financially and physically.  I might not have had it all perfect, but my desire to love a child was stronger than my fear.

In Awe of God

Awe, is wikipedia defined as 'an emotion comparable to wonder, but less joyous and more fearful.'  That's where I am at with God right now.  I am in utter shock at the unexpected loss of my son.  I have lost so much of the happiness and innocence I once experienced in my life and I am becoming irrational and anxious and fearful.