Awe, is wikipedia defined as 'an emotion comparable to wonder, but less joyous and more fearful.' That's where I am at with God right now. I am in utter shock at the unexpected loss of my son. I have lost so much of the happiness and innocence I once experienced in my life and I am becoming irrational and anxious and fearful.
I am coming to realization that my son is gone and I will not be with him in this life. I will not hold him when he cries, I will not pick him up when he falls, I will not comfort him when he struggles and I will never kiss him good night. I am in awe that he was taken from me.
I have been asked several time since Owen died if I was angry with God. Often times I have quietly said no out loud, but screamed on the inside. The truth is I am pissed. I am flaming mad at God. I am overcome with questions an doubts and I am plagued with why's. I hope someday I can look back and feel carried by God through this process, but right now I feel stomped on. I feel forgotten and pushed aside and used. I go to church and I can't sing the worship songs. I can't sing praises to God, I don't believe how wonderful God is and I don't see His greatness. And yet, my heart knows He is. But for now, I am living blinded by my grief and smothered by my sadness, knowing God is still there. He is accepting my anger, He is feeling my pain and He will be there when I am ready. I am in awe of God.
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