Choosing Joy

This year, as you might imagine, I am not feeling especially Thankful.  Thanksgiving is supposed to be about being grateful for what you have.  It is supposed to be a time to appreciate life and give praise for all the wonderful gifts we have been given.  This year I have an interesting tug of war going on. 

I am a Mommy

My desire to be a mother is overwhelming.  It hasn't always been though.  I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but the decision to finally become one was not taken lightly.  I wanted to be ready, really ready, emotionally, financially and physically.  I might not have had it all perfect, but my desire to love a child was stronger than my fear.

In Awe of God

Awe, is wikipedia defined as 'an emotion comparable to wonder, but less joyous and more fearful.'  That's where I am at with God right now.  I am in utter shock at the unexpected loss of my son.  I have lost so much of the happiness and innocence I once experienced in my life and I am becoming irrational and anxious and fearful.

Unexpected Perspectives

As we pulled up to Swedish Hospital on the first night of our support group we were greeted by a young, weak, grey man asking us if we were cancer survivors.  I have breast cancer license plates and we had to park in the oncology parking lot at the hospital.  I explained my Grandmother died from breast cancer years ago.  He began to tell us about his struggle with cancer.