Whats in a Break?

One of the reasons I started this blog, was to be open and honest about the process of losing a child.  Especially since many people have a hard time recognizing that my stillborn son was still my baby.  Whether he ever got to sleep in his perfectly created nursery

 or swing to sleep in his cozy chair, he is still my child, and the loss of him tears me to my core. 

Writing this blog has been an incredibly healing part of my journey, however unexpected; it has been a tremendous therapeutic process.  It has been a place where I want to be exposed; I want people to know my pain, to understand my loss, to feel what I feel.  But over the last several months, I felt too vulnerable.  I needed time to collect myself, to focus my mind, to strengthen my body, to put some pieces of me back together.  And I needed to do that alone, with my family, with God.  I spent time privately, in groups, with a therapist, with my husband, with my family, with God.  I needed time to find myself physically, mentally and emotionally.  I have worked hard at finding ‘peace’ with losing Owen and while I still have a long, long journey ahead, I am moving forward.  I may be taking tiny baby steps, but one foot is going in front of the other and to me, that’s progress.  Some days my husband has to pull me, kicking and screaming, some days I have to push him, but together, we’re finding out yellow brick road.

2012 has been an incredible year.  Filled with tremendous joy and wonderful moments, weaved with pain and loss.  The biggest lesson I have been learning this year is how to ride the joy and the pain at the same time.  I have to learn to accept both emotions at once, that right together with the bliss is the heartache.  Alongside all of the wonderful moments are the painful reminders that Owen isn’t physically a part of them.  I never considered the power of this, the depth of knowing extreme emotional opposites, at the same time.  It’s possible, it’s real and it’s intense.

I plan on addressing many of those momentous occasions from this year in future posts, but for now, I only want to broach one big one.  Sam and I found out this spring, I am pregnant.  In July, we found out it’s a girl.  I won’t go into the lengthy details of making the ‘decision to try again’ in this post or the processing of ‘it’s a girl’ but I will soon.  We are ecstatic to be blessed again with a child and truly believe Owen was and is a huge part of choosing and preparing his baby sister.  Again, I find myself riding the exhilaration and the fear side by side, the anticipation and the anxiety, the hope and the reality all at the same time.  As I learn who the new me is and I become more comfortable with it, I begin to feel strong and empowered.  I didn’t choose this, but it’s mine and I can do it.  Allowing myself to fully be in those extreme opposite of emotions has allowed me to begin to see the value in understanding both.  Because I’ve been to the bottom I can truly experience the top.  The moment this baby girl is crying in my arms is the moment I will be at my top.