One Step at a Time

Immediately after a stillborn birth, you are run through a gamut of blood work and tests.  I had several tests done at the hospital right after Owen's birth, then several more six weeks later when most of the pregnancy hormones were gone.  It turns out, I have Factor V Leiden, a blood clotting disorder.
Please hear this clearly, this was NOT the cause of Owen's death.  His passing was the result of a umbilical cord accident, no knot, no clots, it was a random, unexplained, accident.  However, knowing I have this disorder, we will do a few things differently in our next pregnancy.

Factor V Leiden is a hereditary blood clotting disorder that is passed from one or both of your parents.  I just have one copy, not two, so I am heterogeneous.  Most people who are heterogeneous will go their entire life never knowing they have the disorder because it never causes a clotting issue.  While my doctors don't believe having Factor V Leiden will cause any problems in a future pregnancy, we have all decided to be proactive.

When I started this blog, I wanted to be open and completely honest about what we were going through.  The main reason I wanted to do this was to open the communication and let people know we want to talk about our experience, and our son.  He will always be an incredible part of our lives and in sharing him we keep him with us.  I will continue to share as we begin to take steps forward.  In January, we went back to our Perinatologist.  We wanted to talk about where to go from here, what to expect in a future pregnancy and what we should be doing to prepare.  He has decided I will be on a low dose shot of heparin, a blood thinner, twice daily once I get pregnant.  This decision was made mostly for our comfort, to know we are doing something.  A very hard part of this process has been having no control, there was nothing we could do but face it head on.  Having a plan to actively do something, hopefully, will bring a sliver of comfort.  Technically, I am not considered a high risk patient.  Cord accidents contribute to less than 4% of stillbirths and the chance of reoccurrence is less than that.  Since statistics are just not that comforting, my doctors have all expressed the 'game plan' will be, whatever I want it to be. I will be seen by my doctor whever I want to be seen and as often as I'd like to be seen, a plan I will take full advantage of throughout my next pregnancy!

I still think about Owen and wish he was here in my arms every hour of every day.  I still wish this was a nightmare I could wake up from.  I wish this wasn't my burden to carry, I wish this wasn't a part of my life, but it is.  I am starting to get used to this.  I'm starting to find my new self in this.  I have an incredibly painful story that I wish I didn't have, but it's my story, it's who I am.  Owen is my first born, he will always hold a piece of my heart.  Every night when I'm praying, I talk to him and I tell him how much I love him.  I know Owen will always watch over us and I know he loves us as much as we love him.  And I know, he and God are preparing a special little brother or sister for him. And for us.