It has been just over 3 months since the stillbirth of our Owen, and the sting of the pain is still so strong. Grief is like a terrifying roller coaster with the ups and downs, the twists and the blind curves, the knots and thrashing in your stomach.
There are days when I smile, days when I can laugh and days when things seem better. And while those are honest emotions, there is still never a moment when I don't think about my son. There is not a minute of my life when Owen is not in the forefront of my mind, not a second that passes I don't wish he was here. That is where the battle is, that is where the fight begins. I don't want to lose my memories of him, I don't want to forget his face and the sweet moments I had to hold and to kiss him. I have to let those things make me strong, not hold me down.
I have explained my life in the last few months as a fight. From the moment I wake up, I fight just to get out of bed. I fight to move forward with my days and find purpose in my life. Emotionally and physically, I have to fight every day, and it's draining and exhausting and sometimes exhilarating and sometimes tormenting. But it's my battle to conquer; no one else can fight this fight. And while the lows take me to a deep and sometimes unbearable place, I have to remind myself, if I don't embrace the lows, how could I expect to experience the intensity of the highs? I may never know why God chose me to fight this fight and I will always wish he hadn't; but one thing I know now is, I am a fighter. I will continue to fight the fight, this is not how my story ends.
You are a brave fighter! I admire your strength and your determination to get through this. I cannot imagine how hard this fight must be, nor would I want to. I have been blessed and I know that you and Sam will be blessed in the near future. Don't give up hoping and dreaming. You two are going to be such great parents to one lucky child. I can't wait to see how this story ends......
ReplyDeleteAbbie and Sam, I wrote this days after Owen's death. I don't think I shared it with you. I think and process through poetry. It was my way of dealing with the loss of Owen. I thought it was time to share with you if I hadn't.
ReplyDeleteA seed was planted in our Abbie and Sam
And with that seed grew life's plans
It grew, grew and became a life
We had such hopes for his little life.
Everyday that you grew
We couldn't wait til the day we knew
That a little boy was on his way
And we couldn't wait for your birthday.
But it seems that HE had other plans
And from our Abbie Owen flew to Your hands
An angel is what he will always be
Looking over the Bauerle/Randall family
An angel to pray to when things get rough
An angel to pray to when times are tough
An angel waiting at Heaven't gate
An angel waiting to meet his family at a later date.
So with these prayers we say our good-byes.
and hope to meet you on the other side.
May you rest in peace our baby Owen
A son to Sam and Abbie
A grandson to Em and Tom
A nephew to Eli
But an angel to God.
Love you both - Teri