Owen would have been 2 months old today had my precious baby been born alive. Today is an especially hard day. I believe the 26th of every month for quite a while will be an especially hard day. I can't help but think about what we might be doing today on this first snowy day of the season.
We would probably be snuggling each other on the couch, with the fireplace on making chili for dinner. We would take turns napping, maybe sing a few lullabies and probably do a load or two of laundry. We would watch the snow fall from inside, staying warm in his striped fleece pj's. Instead, I am at work today trying to hold in my tears. His pj's are folded in the drawer in his nursery, the light is off and there are no lullabies. Today is very different than I imagined his 2 month birthday would be. Many things are different than I expected they would be, but today is an especially painful reminder of how much I miss and long for my boy. My heart is broken and my arms are aching for him. Today does not feel like it's getting better. Maybe tomorrow I'll take a step forward, maybe tomorrow the tears wont flow as freely, maybe tomorrow the pain will ease a touch. But for today, I will spend the day dreaming of his beautiful face.
From one Angel mom to another my heart breaks for you. Today was a hard day for me I was thinking some of the same things as you about the first snow. Amanda would be making us hot cocoa or her favorite flavored coffee drinks. She would have her beautiful sweaters on with her gloves and hats. We would build a fire and watch movies. Instead her room is dark and full of all her things. There is no fire and there will be no movies. Here too there's only emptiness. I don't know how to tell you how to feel better. Amanda loved her little ones so dearly I can only have peace thinking she is up there holding Owen for you until you get there many moons from now. Yet like me Id rather be holding my child. So from one Angle mom to another I love you and I am sadden you are in so much pain. God Bless. Your blog is beautiful.One of Amanda's favorite singer was Judy Garland she loved Over the Rainbow and her Christmas songs and Meet me in St. Louis. Rest in peace little Owen watch over your Mommy and Daddy.
ReplyDeleteYou have definitely developed a place for others with whom to share your burden. I hope this will be a place of healing for all of you.
ReplyDeleteHugs for your family Abbie - one step at a time.