As 2011 quickly draws to a close,
I am experiencing an anticipation I had not expected. I have realized the
last few months how powerful the mind is, and the influential control we can have
over our mental process. Since we lost
Owen, I have dreaded the Holiday season.
I knew how horrible it would be for all of us who missed him
dearly. In trying to prepare myself for
the heart ache to deepen as we approached Thanksgiving, I had talked myself
into how horrible it was going to be. I
had already decided I would be miserable from November through December. And miserable, does not even come close. I just kept praying ‘get me to January; get
me out of this year.’ These last few weeks of December have been some of the lowest,
most desperate weeks I have felt since early on in the grieving process. While trying to protect and prepare myself, I
encouraged the anxiety, agitation and disorganization. I could not sleep, I could not focus, I could
not accomplish anything. All I could
think about was how much I missed Owen and how he should have been a part of
this Holiday season. My whole body ached
for him to be there at every celebration, at every dinner, and on his first
Christmas morning.
I hadn’t realized how powerfully I
had persuaded myself of this pain until Christmas had passed and the new year
approached. At the same time I was
convincing myself of the pain, I was convincing myself that a new year would
bring some peace. While the grief losing
Owen is still so poignant, the anticipation of a new year brings some
hope. It brings freshness to my life and
a small light to an overwhelmingly dark place.
I don’t expect to wake up tomorrow morning without a tear and an ache in
my heart, I’ll always wish he was here, but tomorrow is the first day of a new
year.
Every time I read your posts I am amazed at your strength and courage. You have a great ability to put into words your feelings and emotions that tears a hole down to my core each time I hear of your pain. Beautiful Abbie, I pray that 2012 is a fresh, new, happy year for you and Sam. You deserve it and you have an army of people praying for both of you and also for Owen.
ReplyDeleteAbbie,
ReplyDeleteI can't in my wildest imagination even fathom what you and Sam have gone through the last few months. I found your blog a few months ago and had tears streaming down my face reading your story of the day you gave birth to Owen. You are so incredibly inspiring and strong and it pains me so much because I know you and Sam will be the most amazing parents. You will always be a Mommy to Owen but I can only help but smile thinking of how much joy your next child will bring you. I hate the quote "This too will make your stronger" but at times like this you have to hold on to sayings like that because it will hopefully pull you through. I am sure the holidays have been incredibly tough but I hope 2012 brings you the fresh start you need and brings much joy back in your life. I know we haven't talked in some time but please know I think of you often and am sending you as much strength as I possibly can. Xoxo, Lori Hoelting
I am so glad you have seized this opportunity for this first of a hundred new beginnings. I have not stopped praying for you. Thanks for continuing to share your heart. You humble and amaze me.
ReplyDeleteAbbie, I am sorry I am just now writing. My brother Joel MacCluskey sent me your blog back in Nov. since I too lost my first born. We were 31 weeks pregnant when Viviana passed away in my womb. The loss obliterated many parts of our lives. We are still picking up the pieces. Seeing some pieces in a new light and leaving some things behind.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you and Sam. Sounds like you spent some time with your precious Owen after he was born. I found it to be a gift in such darkness. To see her, hold her and kiss her sweetness. I am happy to hear you are continuing to fight the fight. I found it to be a fight as well. And I am glad I did. It IS worth getting into the deep unbearable places that you don't want to go for fear of never returning. Or starting to cry though you fear not stopping. My husband and I clung to one another for dear life and faced it all. Every piece of it we turned over in our hands and in our hearts and found our way through it. (though terrifying at times) It truly is worth the fight.... Joy DOES return. Laughter once again does not feel hollow. Time is not continuing to stand still. I don't have to work so hard anymore to get out of bed or make a list of the things I need to do every day just to survive. I want to tell you, it gets easier. Though when someone told me this I had a hard time believing it and it did not make my pain any less. Owen will always be your first born, your son. I am so sorry he is not with you now as it feels he should be. Do what you need to do to grieve. Write, tell your story, garden, exercise, create, sing, dance, love, read...what ever helps you to work through and put your pain into something full of life (though "life" is hardly what I felt at that time). I am an artist so I made lots of things for Vivi. Paintings, a baby book, a photo book for family of our short life with her in my tummy and in our quiet hospital room...it helped put the love I could not physically give to her, into something. It is healing. So in your days, find life giving things, and bathe in their light. Have you found others who have been through similar circumstances? Either small groups or via the web? There are many sources and I found it to be crucial through my journey.
Ok, I have blabbed enough.... Please feel free to email me at any time though I am a total stranger. (I did and quickly had kindred spirits) You can check into my blog though I have not written in there in a couple of years.... if you check, you will see why....life got busy... I would be happy to recommend books and sites that I found really helpful. http://vivisplace08.blogspot.com/
Sending you and Sam, much peace, love and strength as you keep walking into 2012.... and do, keep walking. And keep breathing in your beautiful boy.... xo, Brooke
Abbie and Brooke: Your stories of strength, courage and fighting are inspirational to all who read them. I am Owen's paternal grandmother and am about to finally start a scrapbook about him. I had put it away and hidden it in the closet along with other treasures from a baby shower, and now I am ready to join the fight with you mothers! Let's get that book going and have it available for me and the children and friends of the future so that all may know a bit of what you mamas know. I still feel anger at God but have figured out in my mind a way that gives me peace. I choose not to share that with anyone, but I do know that there will be a day when you, Abbie, will figure out your own peace about that. Thank you for sharing your hearts with this granny. Abundant love to you both....
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